DO I HAVE TO PUSH?

Working in the NICU afforded me the opportunity to attend many deliveries. There would occasionally be women who would have a momentary lapse of reason when it came time to push, as if they had a choice... But now, I think I understand why.

I just logged on the Disc Makers site moments ago and saw the following:

1Z 180 E67 03 9817 139 9

There were some little baby blue numbers beside the area where it listed the CD order that were not there yesterday. I quickly clicked on the link which took me to the UPS tracking site.

Type: MY CD GEM BABIES ARE ON THE WAY!!!
Shipped/Billed On: 05/28/2009
Service: GROUND
Weight: 15.00 Lbs

FIFTEEN POUNDS of CD's..."Do I have to push?"

I stand here on the edge of the birth of the CD and it's actual arrival. Soon I will be able to hold in my hands the creation. I think back to all the hard work, all the time that was spent in the process on the anvil and in the fire, all the pain that most of those of those songs were brought forth from, all the days of recording that were cancelled and all the days that were not, the exhaustion and the elation, the beauty and the pain, the stretching and growth that I have gone through, and the tumbles I have taken along the way. I think about all the people that have been a part of the journey, all those that have supported me and loved me.

God has surely been doing the pushing all along, in HIS time and in HIS way...and the pace has quickened lately - so much so, that it feels as if the last three years have passed by in the twikling of an eye. All of a sudden I find myself sitting here asking God "am I really ready?" as I wipe away the tears of happiness. Then, I feel His sweet presence and love surrounding me, giving me that gentle nudge out of the nest, with patient reassurance that I won't fall.

As I've been rehearsing for the first concert, which is rapidly approaching, the song The Reason has been messing me up in this one spot repeatedly. I haven't been able to sing it yet without crying.

Lord, You sent Your Son to die for me
Just for me!
That a highly favored child of Yours I'd be...

Those lyrics mean so much to me now, in such different way then when they flowed out of me, because I look back over the last several years and see HIS favor and how HE has granted me favor with man. I look back and can see how God has drawn me close and has been SO personal with me.

So, now as I prepare to take forth the message of His salvation, His restoration, and how HE is so real, I pray HE gives me the words to convey HIS love for us all. I pray that HE is able to use the book, the CD's, and my voice to sing and speak hope to the hopeless and love to those who feel unlovable.

I am ready to push - push on, press in and sprint to the goal...I can see it...it's right over the horizon!

The MASTER of the master

I knew it would be here waiting here for me, at my doorstep, thanks to a text message that carried the good news from my producer, Kerry Crespo. I arrived home around 10 pm on Sunday night, after flying as fast as I could back home to Reading. I could not wait to hear what I hoped would be the final master of the CD, with all the songs in order and all the levels adjusted.

I came running up the steps, like a little kid runs down them on Christmas morning, to find it sitting tucked nicely half-way under the mat. As I quickly approached the little stereo system I have, I hesitated for a moment. I looked up sensing God looking back at me, and began crying. I was so moved by this moment, by all that God has provided for me and blessed me with. I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness. After the tears slowed, I put it in to listen to the final master - the final push before delivery...

It sounded OK here on my little JWIN at the crib but I thought I better take a listen in the car where I could really crank it up. I was trying to be nice to my downstairs neighbor and not blast him out on a Sunday night. So out the door I went, into the rain and wind, not really sure if I would just sit out front or go drive around. The first song is pretty rockin' so I felt the need for some speed.

As I headed up the mountain, my speed was suddently slowed to a snail's pace. The fog became so thick it was hard to see the road. I was trying to pay close attention to the double yellow lines, so as not to go tumbling off the mountainside.

As my ascent continued, the fog only thickened and my mind started recollecting just how long the journey of this birthing process for the CD project has been and at the same time, that it has been concurrent and running parallel to my rebirth and renewal through Christ. I had this realization that this place I am at spiritually and in the physical sense is exactly like my journey up the mountain.

My path has been like the fog-filled road: twisting, winding, with potholes, divots, bumps, and rough places, filled with fog all around, not exactly sure how I am going to get to where I am headed, and not able to see how God is going to make a way ahead of me. Yet, I have journeyed along in faith, knowing that HE would not let me fall, that HE would make my path smooth, and that HE would guide me and lead me the whole way to all that HE has for me.

As I sat at the top of the mountain that was completely consumed in fog, the song The Rock began to play. The first two line are:

On a quiet and rainy day,

The Rock, He called to me made me stay...

Those lyrics hit me in quite a different way because I realize in a new, fresh way that HE has called me, HE has kept me, and helped me travel onward and upward, always helping me to take the next step forward. Not once did I think about turning around that night to head home, or to come down out of the fog. I kept my focus on the yellow line, much like I have tried to keep my focus on God alone.

I didn't stop until I got to the top and as I sat at the first lookout spot, I watched the mountain breathe. Over the last several years, I've watched God breathe the breath of life into me...

I finished listening to the master and made my way back down to my little apartment with a deeper understanding that only HE is the MASTER, not only of my CD and this ministry that is being born, but HE will be MASTER over ALL things in my life.